So What?!

That skin that glimmers in whiteness and smoothness, that body that oozes with sexiness and confidence, and that personality that pleases the people around, look good especially on girls, right? Those characteristics make women proud and glad. They can surely flaunt what they have. But, am I one of these women? Am I really proud and glad of myself? Can I flaunt myself being a negra, baboy, and bipolar?

I have got a lot of issues in life. Insecurities are one, and my skin color is an example. Way back when I was in grade school, I had always been so insecure with my skin color. If at present, a few would say, “Namuti lagi ka, Rhudz?” then, how dark was I before? In grade school, I could remember that some of my classmates would call me “Negra” or any word that would associate with black. It actually didn’t bring me much care at all back then. I just lived as if I didn’t hear them. “Ok ra na!” I assured myself. But, it was and never had been OK.

I thought I could handle my skin color, more than it handled me for years. Then, there was this time when my childishness was being replaced by the maturity that puberty unfortunately brought me. Yes, my high school life brought me back to my senses, that again, my skin color was a big failure in my life.

When I was in high school, I belonged to a certain circle of friends. They’re actually so nice to me. But, when that moment came when courtship became a trend, there I was again. I felt that the whole world betrayed me. No guy liked me! I felt that I was left in darkness literally. It came to a point that I asked my mother if I were beautiful or not? Then, my mother would just guarantee, “Gwapa lagi ka, te!” Wow! How my mom loved me so much!

My issues on my skin color had slowly faded. Thanks to the encouraging words of my mother, and to the help of some whitening products which were not that effective. I started flaunting myself and became proud of who I was. Until…

“Baboy! Tambok! Taba!” Gosh! Why in the world did my weight grow together with my height?! If I used to have 25 inches waistline, I’m afraid that at present, it could have doubled! It didn’t matter much to me actually. But, whenever I meet friends and colleagues, they would say, “Hala! Pirti na nimong panambok, Rhudz, wui!” I would just be taken aback. Sometimes, if I had the guts to respond, I would just say, “Sige lang. Magpapayat lang ko.” And, I have been telling that line over and over and over again! There were instances, too, that whenever I rode a tricycle and stepped inside, I could feel that the gravity was so mad at me that it gave its full force on my foot! Well, I actually tried to lose weight. Before, I used to try slimming products, but my ex-boyfriend, now my husband, would just keep on telling me that these products were not good! L Not only that! I also tried zumba at home, but it just lasted for 5 days. I also had a pack of oatmeal, but I think it would already spend its anniversary in the fridge in a few months time. Depressed and disappointed with such, I would succumb myself to eating. Well, I have already accepted that this is my “disciplinary” problem. I admit I get insecure with sexy ladies out there. I even nudge my husband to them, but he would just ignore. I may be fat now, but who cares?

Some people perhaps. Some are so vain with their physical appearances. Well, I can get away from my physical insecurities. However, apart from my being black and fat, there is this one character that does not only bring me insecurities in life, but also misunderstandings and disputes.

Before, I thought that this personality was just fine. When I used to teach Grade 1 pupils, whenever they became unruly in class, I became mad at them. After a few minutes of telling them to behave and the like, I would go back to normal. I mean, I would continue discussing and eventually would smile at them. For three years, I had been like that. And, I brought that temperament in DCHS, to my fourth year students. I thought that was fine. That it was just normal. However, an instance happened between me and a certain group of students, which led them to tweet on twitter, “Bipolar siya!” Being good at intuitions, I asked these students if they were referring to me. Then, so on. I won’t dwell much on details anymore. I have already been trying to forget what happened. I was, am, and will never be a perfect teacher. Who would be? I may be bipolar, but the only consolation I had was I did not hurt anybody.

These things are just actually few of my insecurities. They have been haunting me from time to time, but I have ignored those most often. These insecurities are just nothing. I may not have that skin that glimmers in whiteness and smoothness, but I have a heart that shines for everyone. I may not have the body that oozes with sexiness and confidence, but my intelligence and talents make me a lot sexier. I may sometimes not have the personality that pleases the people around, but I’m me! I may be this, I may not be that, but I am me, and God created me as me!

Negra? Baboy? Bipolar? So what?!

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