So What?!

That skin that glimmers in whiteness and smoothness, that body that oozes with sexiness and confidence, and that personality that pleases the people around, look good especially on girls, right? Those characteristics make women proud and glad. They can surely flaunt what they have. But, am I one of these women? Am I really proud and glad of myself? Can I flaunt myself being a negra, baboy, and bipolar?

I have got a lot of issues in life. Insecurities are one, and my skin color is an example. Way back when I was in grade school, I had always been so insecure with my skin color. If at present, a few would say, “Namuti lagi ka, Rhudz?” then, how dark was I before? In grade school, I could remember that some of my classmates would call me “Negra” or any word that would associate with black. It actually didn’t bring me much care at all back then. I just lived as if I didn’t hear them. “Ok ra na!” I assured myself. But, it was and never had been OK.

I thought I could handle my skin color, more than it handled me for years. Then, there was this time when my childishness was being replaced by the maturity that puberty unfortunately brought me. Yes, my high school life brought me back to my senses, that again, my skin color was a big failure in my life.

When I was in high school, I belonged to a certain circle of friends. They’re actually so nice to me. But, when that moment came when courtship became a trend, there I was again. I felt that the whole world betrayed me. No guy liked me! I felt that I was left in darkness literally. It came to a point that I asked my mother if I were beautiful or not? Then, my mother would just guarantee, “Gwapa lagi ka, te!” Wow! How my mom loved me so much!

My issues on my skin color had slowly faded. Thanks to the encouraging words of my mother, and to the help of some whitening products which were not that effective. I started flaunting myself and became proud of who I was. Until…

“Baboy! Tambok! Taba!” Gosh! Why in the world did my weight grow together with my height?! If I used to have 25 inches waistline, I’m afraid that at present, it could have doubled! It didn’t matter much to me actually. But, whenever I meet friends and colleagues, they would say, “Hala! Pirti na nimong panambok, Rhudz, wui!” I would just be taken aback. Sometimes, if I had the guts to respond, I would just say, “Sige lang. Magpapayat lang ko.” And, I have been telling that line over and over and over again! There were instances, too, that whenever I rode a tricycle and stepped inside, I could feel that the gravity was so mad at me that it gave its full force on my foot! Well, I actually tried to lose weight. Before, I used to try slimming products, but my ex-boyfriend, now my husband, would just keep on telling me that these products were not good! L Not only that! I also tried zumba at home, but it just lasted for 5 days. I also had a pack of oatmeal, but I think it would already spend its anniversary in the fridge in a few months time. Depressed and disappointed with such, I would succumb myself to eating. Well, I have already accepted that this is my “disciplinary” problem. I admit I get insecure with sexy ladies out there. I even nudge my husband to them, but he would just ignore. I may be fat now, but who cares?

Some people perhaps. Some are so vain with their physical appearances. Well, I can get away from my physical insecurities. However, apart from my being black and fat, there is this one character that does not only bring me insecurities in life, but also misunderstandings and disputes.

Before, I thought that this personality was just fine. When I used to teach Grade 1 pupils, whenever they became unruly in class, I became mad at them. After a few minutes of telling them to behave and the like, I would go back to normal. I mean, I would continue discussing and eventually would smile at them. For three years, I had been like that. And, I brought that temperament in DCHS, to my fourth year students. I thought that was fine. That it was just normal. However, an instance happened between me and a certain group of students, which led them to tweet on twitter, “Bipolar siya!” Being good at intuitions, I asked these students if they were referring to me. Then, so on. I won’t dwell much on details anymore. I have already been trying to forget what happened. I was, am, and will never be a perfect teacher. Who would be? I may be bipolar, but the only consolation I had was I did not hurt anybody.

These things are just actually few of my insecurities. They have been haunting me from time to time, but I have ignored those most often. These insecurities are just nothing. I may not have that skin that glimmers in whiteness and smoothness, but I have a heart that shines for everyone. I may not have the body that oozes with sexiness and confidence, but my intelligence and talents make me a lot sexier. I may sometimes not have the personality that pleases the people around, but I’m me! I may be this, I may not be that, but I am me, and God created me as me!

Negra? Baboy? Bipolar? So what?!

I Just Got BLOCKED!

Last week was one of the busiest weeks in my existence. I was bombarded with a mountain of papers, a queue of deadlines, and a reservoir of things-to-do. Despite these, I was still able to sneak out and log on to one of my favorite social networking sites: Twitter.

It was March 2, Saturday (a day after my birthday). I paused for a while from checking my students’ quizzes and signed in to twitter. It would really be my habit to scroll down and down my timeline to check the tweets of those whom I had been following. Suddenly, a certain tweet struck me so much. She tweeted one, foul, Bisaya word. Because of my astonishment, I replied, “What??” Few minutes later, I wondered why my “following” and “followers” were decreased by one. I even tweeted, “Did someone deactivate his/her account or just block me? :o”

After that tweet, I just ignored everything. I continued checking some papers and watched the UAAP Volleyball Finals on TV. But, when I was trying to figure out who deactivated his/her account or who blocked me, a sudden intuition came in my mind. So, I went to her profile, checked her tweets, and then I realized she had just blocked me. She even had some series of tweets saying that she blocked me, etc. Because of what I found out, I tweeted,

tsk

That short incident has brought me to a great shock! Actually, whenever I remember what she did, I just can’t help but feel a little upset about it. I’m not furious because I lost a follower, not that. But, I feel that rage because imagine, a Grade 4 girl uttered such nasty word online? Questions were rushing in my mind whenever I think about it. Does she know what she was saying? Does she feel proud that she is saying such words? Do her parents know about what she has been saying online? Does her family know about her actions or speech? I don’t know. I really don’t know. But, I, as a teacher, feel so sad for her. Even if she has never been my pupil in my previous workplace, I know her. She is talented, confident, and intelligent. She is actually an honor student. The fact that she is known due to her talents and intelligence dismays me. A lot. Call me overacting, but I really hate people, especially YOUNG people who keep on cursing. I admit though that I am not perfect. I sometimes utter something defiling; however, I am trying my very best not to say anything obnoxious anymore. Besides, as far as I could remember, when I was a child, even saying the word ‘crazy’ in vernacular was like a mortal sin! Maybe, that tweet was one of the best examples of the saying “Language evolves.” *Sigh!*

They say that Twitter or any social networking site is a person’s outlet of his or her happiness, excitement, sadness, and/or anger.  In spite of, I hope that people will be responsible enough with whatever they do or say (or tweet for that matter). I know there is Freedom of Expression, too. However, are we still expressing such freedom as how it is supposed to be expressed? I’m not cleaning my hands here nor pinpointing someone else’s doings. It is just that we have to be extra careful with our words and actions. If others would find you corny if you say good words, disregard them. It’s not your loss if they treat you that way. Besides, we are here on earth not to please anyone. We are to please and praise God.

Matthew 15:18 (http://pinterest.com/pin/274860383479171211/)

Their First Impressions on Me!

“In psychology, a first impression is the event when one person first encounters another person and forms a mental image of that person. It can sometimes form an accurate representation of the person, depending on the observer and the person being observed.”

Whenever “first impression” is talked about especially about me, I already have some presumptions as to how people would describe me from the very first time they met me. And when I hear their first impressions on me, I just smile because most of them are often correct. But, do these first impressions really last at all?

When my Emmaus group (Emmaus 6) had a gathering last March 29, 2012 Thursday, I learned their first impressions on me (this was part of the mini-program that we had in our gathering.) I won’t mention who said what, but let me mention their impressions on me when they got to rub shoulders with me for the very first time:

  • tomboyon (boyish)
  • talented
  • kadugo na talaga ng Emmaus 6
  • domineering / has a strong personality
  • easy to get along with
  • an asset
  • hawod-hawod (predominant)
  • bubbly
  • “magaan na agad ang loob” sa akin
  • optimistic and high-spirited
  • strives for excellence

So these were their first impressions on me. I already expected for the others (e.g. domineering, predominant) but with the rest, they were still something that made me wonder. LOL! Kidding aside though, I never imagined that I was generally a good person to them. It flattered and still flatters me. 🙂

Maybe they are true, that these impressions are true, but yeah, they are impressions still. It’s still up to us though whether we will live up to their first impressions on us, or we will prove them wrong. After all, no one else knows you much better but only you!