I Love You… Goodbye…

            It was a cold night when the hushes of the wind kissed my cheeks and the blanket of stars covered the heavens. I was then all alone. I was sitting at our terrace while looking at the glittering stars up there. I was trying to ease the pain I felt inside, for prior to that night, I found out that my boyfriend left me for another girl. As I watched the stars, it seemed that their sparkles slowly defy. And as I tried to embrace myself to keep myself warn, still it was of no use, for the coldness of the night penetrated my loneliness.

I was still burdened – trapped inside the corners of sorrow and locked within the bitterness of the tears.

I was still burdened – trapped inside the corners of sorrow and locked within the bitterness of the tears.

            I sat there for about an hour – just sitting and reminiscing the sweet yesterdays of our relationship. I remembered the day when he courted me. His sweetness, care, thoughtfulness, everything – they just made me float with happiness. I also remembered when I said “Yes” to him. He was so happy that time. The moments when we used to go home together, eat our meals together, and sing together made me smile for a while. I even giggled when I remembered those hugs he gave me that kept me warm and also those unforgettable kisses that made me touch my lips that night. Indeed, they were so memorable.

            But, all of those memories were already buried in my past. Those were already parts of my past that have molded me into a mature person. I actually did not realize that tears were already running on my cheeks. I was hurt. Those memories only made me hurt more. I was about to forget them, but it was not that easy. To think that this guy was my first boyfriend, yet all of a sudden, he left me without even saying goodbye. I felt that the whole world hated me. It seemed that the heaven and the earth covered me. I carried a heavy load in my heart. And, I did not know when and how would I be able to unload these burdens. When? How?

            Three hours had past, but still, I was sitting at our terrace. As the minutes passed by, the wind turned colder and colder and the stars were slowly disappearing. Thick clouds abruptly covered the earth. Few minutes later, the rain fell. My body wanted me to go inside, for the rain would make me wet of course. But, my heart told me to stay. I was still burdened – trapped inside the corners of sorrow and locked within the bitterness of the tears. My body was all wet. Still, the wind tried to threaten me with its coldness, but my heart already surpassed the coldness of the wind that tried to invade me. My heart turned cold, very cold. I felt that at that point, my emotions were gone. I tried to survive the pain that the situation brought me. However, it gave me a hint to close my doors whenever someone comes into my life again. I won’t love again. I don’t want to be hurt again. I won’t let somebody hurt me the way that guy hurt me. No more chances. No more lies. It’s done. It’s over.

            It was already eight in the morning when I found myself inside my room, lying on my bed. How did I get here? Who brought me here? Questions kept running in my mind when my phone rang. When I answered the phone, talked to the person on the next line, and listened to what he said, I suddenly lost my grasp on the phone I was holding. Tears immediately ran down on my cheeks again. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even scream. My feet were stuck to the place where I stood. My knees were trembling. My hands were shaking. What I only did was to cry. Once again, I cried. When I turned my head around my room, looking for nothing, a sheet of pink paper caught my attention. At that moment, I was able to move my feet towards the place where the paper was put. When I opened it, I read what was written.

Honey,

            You know how much I love you. You completed my life. You made me happy. You became my “everything”. I felt so guilty when I did not tell you about my condition. I am so sorry. It’s not my intention to hurt you. I just don’t want to hurt you totally. That’s why, I told someone to tell you that I have someone else. At least, anger would fill your heart instead of pity. But, I did the wrong thing. I’m so sorry, my love. I am so sorry. I had been suffering from this pain since I was 10. But, my end had finally come. Last night, you were all wet. You might be wondering what happened and who brought you here? I brought you inside for you not to be very wet. Fortunately, your mother knocked on the door and she changed your clothes. Please don’t put yourself in harm. No matter what, I still love you. Take care, honey. I love you.

             At that moment, I was more hurt. Why was it happening to me? Why me? Why now? Do I really have to feel this? Do I deserve this? I just found myself kneeling on the floor, sobbing while covering my face. Tears did not stop to fall. My heart beat so fast. I had no else to blame. All I have to do is to accept the situation. It was God’s will. I know he was already there in the kingdom of everlasting love and happiness. I should be happy for him. It would not be that easy, but in the long run, I would still be able to live in a peaceful and happy life.

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